If Covid taught me anything, it was to understand that no matter how prepared you can be, you are never 100% ready for anything. 2019 was such an “its my year” vibe but my world collapsed on the inside. I hit the lowest point I’ve ever reached, beating out postpartum by a long shot. On the outside, I was planning, planning, planning. During the day I was doing, doing, doing and at night I was crying, crying crying.
I did a “thing”. Kicking and screaming I did a thing. I wasn’t ready, but I made it as far as I could with the plan I had and honestly, it was the coolest fucking thing I’ve done in…forever. Or maybe even in my career, and it was my baby.
I didn’t do it alone. My coven was there to support me with anything I needed and performed an amazing ritual was great with the crowd and literally did anything the night called for. My family was in the kitchen with me, or helping to pack or set up while I grew two more sets of arms and had a hand in everything. It wasn’t the least bit perfect and yet, to the folks attending, they had no idea what didn’t get done. Everyone had a nice time and I received so many messages about that day.
In all of that, I still felt alone and scared, no thanks to my unregulated depression and its best friend anxiety. Then 2020 walked in – Covid happened and everything changed.
The world changed.
5 years later….
December 31st 2023 – as is a tradition of mine and lots of other people out there, I like to sit and look back on the year about to end. What happened, what didn’t ,what I was looking forward to….. ::looks suspiciously around the room:: Look forward to? There would be no “New year, new me” that was for sure!. In my Morticia era ( the Senora phase of my life) I am embracing Death. Not the morbid kind but the Tarot “Death”.
I’d like to practice embracing the ending of things in a graceful manner. What 2023 has taught me was simple. I am, who I am. At this point in my life, who ever cannot support the version of the person I am, then peace be with you and move out of the way. What doesn’t serve me, has to be put down. Its more painful to hang on than to let go sometimes and boy do I love to hang on!
I set 4 goals for 2023. I completed none of them but I survived.
I. Survived.
Pre covid me would have thrown herself against the wall, dragged her body over coals then put a hair shirt on while sitting in a sauna because I can always forgive most people, but have zero tolerance for myself. Now, that I survived a life threatening situation, things looks different to me now. Or rather, I look different to me.
So I scratched that 3 off of 2023 on that list of 4 things and added a 4 overtop. If I dont complete them this year then fuck it, there’s always next year or maybe they just aren’t relevant anymore. What I need to let die in me are the unattainable expectations. I need to stop creating my own version of a “saw” game and just fucking live bruh. No one is going to know. The people pleasing needs to die. The obsession with perfection needs to fuck all the way off. The comparing of lives and writing myself off as less than needs to stop. These were things I grappled with in ‘23 and started putting my toes in that ocean. Now 2024 likes like….
Im going to try and plan less, do more “what the hells” and embrace the lightheartedness of the fool. The universe has managed to set me on track or back on the path and I just need some fucking levity in my life. There has to be more than work and planning more work for personal goals that I can’t get to because I’m exhausted from doing the most for someone else. Maybe practice a little positive selfishness. It really took stepping back into a world I left behind to appreciate the world I was annoyed with. The one gestating inside of me that I never birthed and still patiently waits to be born in some iteration that fits the life I want to ultimately live.
I’d like to fully embrace choosing me which means, some folks aren’t going to be happy with what that looks like but honestly, when I lived like that, I was the happiest. I know the people that love me will be here cheering on the shenanigans and for that, I am so grateful. Cheers to whatever the fuck is about to happen in 2024 but I hope it involves more plan rides, great food, awesome outfits, esthetically pleasing things, time with nature and connecting with the folks I just mentioned above. What does 2024 look like for you?