“Love is blind until you open your eyes.” Not the thing you want to hear from rock daddy as a married woman. ::Sarcastic tone loading:: Honestly, what else could this be about?
Welp….
Me.
2025 dragged me in ways I’m not used to. It was quiet, slow, unassuming to the outside world, almost gentle if I’m being honest. No major life change outside of a rotator cuff surgery but that was planned and not a surprise so it doesn’t count. There was no “There it is! This is my obstacle for the year to come” Eleggua said simply, ” if you want to drown, have at it baby girl. I’ll be here watching to make sure you’re not in actual danger. Place your head under water and scream your head off as if someone was holding you down and then forget you’re the asshole gripping the end of the bath tub and can just get up-but you won’t because you’re 100% committed.
“I’ll wait” he said.
I screamed, and I screamed hard! I did it because the realization of what has been happening was embarrassing to me. The one thing in life I truly can’t come to terms with is embarrassment so I put my head back into the tub and screamed some more, and he waited. It didn’t take long for me to get tired and sit on the proverbial bathroom floor soaking wet, cold and angry having achieved nothing but hiding and avoiding.
Me, hide?
ME???
Holding my conch shelled parent, I asked directly “Is that what’s really been happening?” He didn’t answer me though, but there was a loud enough pop inside of a very large golden urn that sounded more like a laugh. That gutted me in ways the doctor didn’t while he was fist deep into my frankenstein shoulder. It took me the better part of the year to realize it, yet a thing seen cannot be unseen and I was left with “now what?”.
Now what?It turned into something unusual for me ——–>
Zero Plan.
Those that know me, understand how deep the planning runs in my veins. It’s the fuel that guides me through the day and though I can get derailed and rally myself from deviations, I can’t just pick up and go without thinking about the outcomes first. I wasn’t always like this so when did this change happen to me?
Its called trauma baby but thats for my therapist to unpack so we’ll skip that part for now. Eleggua in his infinite wisdom used the best method he could against me. No tricks, no lies, no traps. He gave me advice, he told me where the pitfalls where, he told me what I needed to do. Like a great dad, he prepared me for the journey and so I packed my little sack and put my hand out….
He didn’t take it.
I shook my hand, signally for him to hold it.
“Im not going” he said to me softly – My very own Virgil…..
Down through my own inferno I travelled alone this year. Through the crash outs, through the pain, through the sorrows and SO MANY DISAPPOINTS. I walked on because the only way out was through. Trust that I found a few rocks and caves I thought would make some beautiful permanent homes, and then those familiar voices called to me and I had to keep going. I had to pick apart everything in my life. I had to dig and remove the rot. I had to let go and accept the things I never wanted to see. Love is blind until you open your eyes.
Those rose colored glasses are no better than the shit smeared ones, they just smell better.
I let time be my teacher.
As I healed physically I had to sit down and wait. I had to “embarrass” myself and ask for help, quite literally. This was the actual worst. I thought I was going to go insane. The more I pushed my body the farther my recovery was. Being forced to be this vulnerable was the tipping point and I trudged along the road of this inferno, further in because I had faith and trust that something was on the other end I needed to reach, there had to be, it can’t all be for nothing.
I also know, it had to be my choice and that too was hard to accept. Nothing was going to happen TO me, I had to be willing to LET it happen and that’s scary. To me this year was a giant haunted house I bought VIP Ultimate experience tickets for. The shocks and scary things were anticipated but that didn’t make them any less horrible because I didn’t know what direction they were coming from or how they would be dressed and boiii….
I learned what my place was in the lives of everyone I care about. Nothing prepared me for what I saw and what I experienced. Some folks love me for who and what I am, and I thank you for that.
It was the others. It was having to face that loving me was transactional for some -If I couldn’t show up physically or emotionally, I was pushed back, forgotten, a tbd. Not being able to provide a service, physically or emotionally meant no one was checking in on me, even when I forced myself to be vulnerable to say “Im drowning, Im lonely, I need help.” – Crickets. Your silence taught me never to ask you again but it also freed me from worrying about you. Thank you.
Having to sit down and explain to people that their actions have hurt me only to be met with “but you did- ”. Folks, when someone is telling you how you hurt them, listen. Accept your part and if you don’t understand what happened, ask for clarity and not in a dick way, please. Learn that someone expressing themselves is not meant to be an attack, its a person trying to find closure or resolution, usually. THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO AIR YOUR GRIEVANCES because then you just made it about you. How I feel is if you felt this strongly then you should have started this conversation so don’t hijack mine- period. Again, my opinion.
I am by no means discounting the fact that I too have caused hurt and yes you can bring me to the table and we can totally talk about it, I’ll eat whatever my portion is but I’m not allowing anyone to make me eat their ration of shit anymore just to save whatever it is I think we have together. I have embarrassed myself with the amount of shit I have eaten over the years which is fine because I cut it out of my diet alongside refined sugars.
This year has taught me how easily I can be forgotten. You know how many people I know FORGOT my birthday this year? Facebook reminds you and your Insta memories do too if you ever posted about it, ever. Ya’ll made a choice and I forgive you for it. The lesson I learned was that I didn’t even earn your fake ass mention, this is how much I mattered. Seeing this plain as day was painful. It wasn’t the first time it’s happened, it was just the first time I questioned why I deserved it. In conclusion, I didn’t.
On the same note, I was celebrated by a bunch of strangers this year and folks I didn’t expect came out of nowhere to wish me a blessed year. I was celebrated by family and life long friends, hell I even celebrated ME.
October hits hard and this year was no different, just another open wound caused by the absence of pitter patters on my floor and that pain, a year later, is fresh as fuck. In my healing there has been a lot of silence but within those spaces, I have lived. I’ve also crashed out hard but I’ve lived. In that silence, I’ve grown and in that silence, on that infernal road I met the final boss.
It was a giant mirror.
There was no devil, no demon, no villain, just a mirror. The most frightening thing you could put in front of me. This mirror didn’t show me my physical self, it tore into me and showed me all the soft parts I hate about me and the scar tissue that formed around those parts to protect them. This mirror flayed me open on the inquisitors rack. One piece at a time, slow measured cuts I bled on this table for years unwilling to see. Had I opened my eyes I would have known there was no blindfold to keep me from looking and realize I could escape. Had I opened my eyes I would have seen that the ropes didn’t bind me- my dumb ass was HOLDING on to them.
I saw myself digging deep- ripping and pulling and shoving and frantically searching for something. I saw years pass by in seconds and as I stood there watching me tear into that infernal version of me a tiny piercing bell rang, and everything suddenly stopped because I found it. A red and black swatch of fabric. The balloon popped and I was out of the inferno but I wasn’t out of harm’s way yet.
In the silence of this year, in what felt like a touch of madness as my world was quietly turned upside down except that no one else knew it was happening but me, something extraordinary happened.
I stopped giving a fuck.
Let me clarify that for a second. I HAD to stop giving a fuck. I was free falling and no amount of planning, no modicum of politeness or courtesy was helping me stop my no parachute descent to the ground below me where I was about to become a permanent stain. My shadow was rapidly becoming smaller the closer I got to the ground. I had to abandon what I thought was the right thing all of these years as it truly hadn’t served me very much except to teach me some hard lessons. When that last fuck tried to leave me, I grabbed on to that bitch and was floating.
That fuck was called “I know and accept who the fuck I am.”
Suddenly I was flying again.
I was no Icarus full of hubris, I am Daedalus, the architect. I am not a fucking phoenix rising from the ashes of destruction, I am no martyr. I am of Lillith with the wings of a vulture.
I just forgot, or rather, I just put her away because someone asked me to and I was stupid enough to believe that that was what I was supposed to do because it was acceptable. In that box of unacceptable went all the things that made me who I was, the core pieces of myself, hidden. I put it on a shelf in my closet and let it collect dust.
Sometimes I would take it down and open it in front of some people I trust. Those experiences were always pleasant and when they asked “why wont you let..” I would quickly close it and shush them into quiet… we don’t ask questions about the unacceptable box. “Wait, but who said it was unacc-” “SHHHHH!!!!” Again, its not acceptable. I would put the box back up on the shelf. Sometimes, when no one was looking I’d hide in the closet and look through it, taking stock and wondering if it would be ok to let this out, is this all actually unacceptable? What made this embarrassing? I never could answer that question, until this year.
“Love is blind until you open your eyes” made me take a hard look at everything and everyone around me. I’ve organized people and things into the proper categories and I feel safe knowing where I stand as they themselves have shown me. I accept this truth no matter how painful because at least, now I KNOW. I ripped the unacceptable box open and shook out the contents. I glued those missing pieces back into myself and for once, I feel fucking whole again.
As I celebrated Ochun’s quince I was awash with her energy in a way I have not felt in all 15 years. It was a feeling I always wanted and resigned myself to believing that she would never give it to me. I sat with that acceptance, that I was never going to be enough for her and maybe that was ok, she is a hard mother to please. I accepted it from Yemaya who always made sure I knew how she felt and does the most to love me as a Mother should and that will always be enough for me. On that mat, on my anniversary I prayed to each Orisha and I was thankful for all the good and even the bad, honestly.
I rang that bell this year with the clearest heart, with the strongest of spirits having faced so much of my shortcomings and weaknesses this year, having put down the embarrassment I carried that no one else saw. I prayed to Ochun for my natal and Ocha family as I do every year because I have all I need and that anything else is just extra sprinkles of awesome. I prayed for strength, not for myself but to be able to stand as her priestess and perform my duties so that I never fail my Godchildren when they need me and strength to continue to be a good Goddaughter. In those prayers went blessings for my husband as I like him and want him around for as long as I can have him and for my daughter who deserves to feel the golden touch of having ochun made as that is electrifying. I prayed and prayed while I rang that bell and thanked her for everything including the hard lessons. I don’t dare ask Ochun for anything, I know better. I just told her that I was finally free. I am afraid, but I am free.
In that liminal space of prayer I felt her presence in full. “Finally, my daughter has arrived.” The single tear that fell is mark enough that I am hers. I want to believe that we all felt that moment. I got up as a new person and have been walking in a pair of shoes I forgot how to wear but that’s because I’m out of practice.
I’m so very thankful to the handful of people that have been supportive of me through every phase of this existence and didn’t let me fall even when I begged to be let go, feeling sorry for myself. I don’t know what 2026 is going to bring as there is no plan for once. I have some unhinged ideas but lets see what actaully sticks. Eleggua is going to give me a sack and that’s what I’m going to work with, this time I hope he can hold my hand again because he’s got those 1st class Lufthansa tickets Id love for him to test me with. I’ve got my suitcase packed for the journey ahead and the uber lux is on the way.
