I find myself at the end of January completely raw and totally turned around on all the ideas I had. What could have caused that…. I’m feeling off. I’m happy, totally in love with my partner, my kid is doing well, so is the dog, all my bills are paid, I just bought a bunch of self care things as presents, I’m golden! So why am I going through this? What the actual fuck?

When I find that things are frustrating and I feel blocked, with no real explanation,  I immediately turn the protection mode on. Feeling off can be an indication that something else is actually causing your issues. ( because people, and their bullshit. Mal de ojo is real ya’ll) This requires you to do a little investigating to get to the root, below are some quick and easy techniques I use to find out if its just me, or something is going on.

******* Please understand that although I am a believer in spell work, if you are in a dangerous situation, it is important to seek the help of the authorities or tell someone who can help you get help. If you find that you’re feeling unstable and thoughts of suicide or self harm are flooding your mind, please reach out to family, friends or the suicide prevention hotline 1-800-273-8255******

Protection mode for me means :

1. Evaluate : Is there an actual problem? Am I taking the necessary steps to do my best to work things out? Is this anxiety or fear ? Are there other underlying issues or feelings I’m not expressing. It’s totally ok to feel off and that is all part of the human condition but sometimes it can be more than that, so to be safe, cover all your bases.

2. Spiritual cleansing : If I’m feeling off, maybe my aura is dirty. I could have been picking up negative energy from a person, place or spirit. Spiritual cleansing can mean taking a spiritual bath, cleansing with smoke or crystals, it can also be chakra work or anything you are comfortable with that leaves you clean.

3. Physical cleaning : I am a pro clutter queen ( just peep my kitchen table) so sometimes, the act of cleaning, shifting and reorganizing shakes up the energy in my space. Have a cluttered office or work space? Clean it both physically and spiritually, then see how you feel.

4. Spell work : situations like a disgruntled co-worker, gossip, internet trolls, envious people and all manner or annoying things that can be affecting your aura means that you can benefit from some protection work. ( again I encourage anyone in danger to seek help, reach out to those closest to you)  I would also encourage directly hashing out your issues with someone, as it may be something simple like a miscommunication and if that’s not an option then by all means, seek help on the spiritual plane.

Hecate is my go to for protection or when I need direction so it’s kind of a double whammy when I seek her help. She is an amazing source of comfort and power, so when I lay an issue in front of her, I know that I will come to a resolution.

It’s never recommended to feed your emotions as that is an unhealthy coping mechanism but food is also acceptable as an offering. It exhibits the desire to commune, as well as considered a sacrifice (you did just spend time to labor over your dish or treat).  

When working with food, I use ingredients that will lend their help in achieving my goal so the magical ingredients of this recipe are blackberries, lemon and thyme.

Blackberry : The blackberry isn’t necessarily associated with Hecate, but it is with protection. I personally feel that fruits (particularly berries and the pomegranate), herbs and vegetables which can withstand the harshness of the winter are appropriate to offer her. Blackberry leaf and root are the parts mostly used for protection workings but the fruit is where the flavor is for our cookie.

Lemon – Brings the power and strength of the sun to this recipe. Lemons are also great for cleansing inside and out, so it made a great addition. The Citrus is full of vitamin C which can also serve as protection from illnesses like the cold and throat infections. If you’re dealing with an unpleasant person, the lemon flavor, although delicious, will help keep their B.S. at bay.

Thyme – used for strength and to dispel negative energies. Also great to lift your spirits and shoo away feelings of sadness or hopelessness

Blackberry, Lemon and Thyme Thumbprint Cookies       

Makes a dozen

1 stick, unsalted, softened butter

¼ cup granulated sugar

¼ tsp salt

½ tsp vanilla extract

1 egg

1 ½ tsp thyme leaves, roughly chopped

2 tsp lemon zest

1 cup cake flour, sifted

¼ cup blackberry jam or preserves ( seedless)

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.

In the bowl of a standing mixer fitted with a paddle or a hand held mixer, cream the butter and sugar until light and fluffy, scraping down the bowl constantly.

Add the egg, vanilla, salt, thyme, zest and flour, mix until incorporated. Scrape out the dough into a piping bag or leave in the bowl and refrigerate for 20 minutes.

You can pipe the cookies onto a lined baking sheet or roll them into balls.

If rolling, gently press down to flatten slightly. Once the cookies are divided, using a gloved moist finger, poke a hole in the center, then pipe or spoon the preserves into the center.

Bake  for 6-10 minutes until set and lightly golden, do not over bake. Remove from the oven and let cool on a rack.

Food Magic

Witchy Tip / Advice : I made these for two reasons. My daughter was having an issue with a bully . She is not a fan of sweets so after I offered her cookie to Hecate, I asked her to please give me the strength and the sight to help her deal with this person before I ate it. (the situation wasn’t dire, it was more on the teasing end but she was becoming upset about it). I sat with the mini witch and offered some advice which she took and it helped! Hail Hecate!

I also made these because I’ve been in a cold war  with my assistant and I’m getting tired of being undermined all the time. So, I offered them up to Hecate and asked her to please keep this woman’s drama, and  anyone else’s as a matter of fact, from hurting me in a negative way, protecting me and my position. This has caused me to look within at my career and what I am doing. This isn’t the last stop for me so when I get past the self doubt and the anger, this has fueled and solidified my resolve to continue writing and cooking so that I can leave, but only when I say so. I am happy to report, it’s been smooth sailing. Hail Hecate!

Lastly, as I mentioned before, this can be used as a simple protect us from the common cold spell but don’t forget to take your vitamins, bundle up, wash your hands often and disinfect or lysol common areas and surfaces, especially door knobs!

Hail Hecate!

Made these cookies? Share them on Instagram with #foodmagic and tag me @gourmetwitch I love seeing other people make delicious magic!

While the winter is starting to rage on the north east of the United States, deep below the earth, life begins anew as it promises to. January is usually the month where we recuperate from all of the festivities and take a moment to regroup and get our priorities in order.  For some, this comes in the form of a resolution. Eat better, spend less, stop smoking, get organized, try new things, run a marathon etc. For me, I am focusing on some long term goals, particularly my health, my writing and my future cookbook.

As a person that lives with PCOS times can get frustrating as menial tasks seem herculean. Your brain becomes an adversary and you turn inwards to your heart. listening to its steady beating, reminds you that one step at a time is how you must always proceed. It reminds you to slow down and be patient. It reminds you that as long as it keeps going, so can you! I am taking my time and seriously practicing patience while I try to rewire my entire body.

This is a time consuming effort that now must take precedence in my life, before all of the other things that I would rather be doing. I am at odds with that idea but am accepting that this too will be something that becomes second nature, like learning a new skill. Meal plans and prep will integrate itself into daily life and I will be able to pick up where I left off.

Writing has come back into my life in the form of prompts and  revisiting finished and unfinished works. Transferring them over from paper to my drive has been cathartic, as I read about the things I had experienced and how much I have evolved since then. Looking forward to more prompts and random ideas that pop into my head which I will gladly share!

The cookbook, well, that is underway with lots of testing and revamping so stay tuned for more news on that front! I’m excited about the journey it is taking me on and look forward to sharing it with everyone.Instagram will continue to be where I showcase recipe ideas and lots of food magic so if you’re not following @gourmetwitch, head on over! Working on some fun spring ideas!

This winter has me feeling like a seed . They appear small and fragile but what lies within is the strength of a lion. A seed has to have courage to burst through its safe enclosure. It will venture through the darkness and trudge through the heavy earth, weighing down on it. The seedling must strive and push to breach the surface and feel the sun on its tiny leaves and that ordeal is only the beginning but breaking out is the hardest part. I am fortunate to have an incredible support system that is with me every step of the way while I hibernate and nourish myself, my brain is actively working on new material and fun stuff for the coming months. If you find yourself a seed, weigh down by the earth or afraid of the darkness, just know that the sun is waiting to greet you!

I wasn’t ready. No where near un-boxing the trauma and the hurt I had been experiencing. I was hardly afloat but I had a toddler to take care of so I persisted. The dreams I had, the future I built in my mind, shattered like a broken glass. I was young, hardly an adult but my mind was made up. I was not ready to love again, and maybe, I never would because that’s safer. When I met my husband, I was broken, a bird without feathers.

My favorite thing about him , is his willingness to show up. When we met, he literally just showed up! I was committed to hating men and I was mean. I would walk away from conversations, ignore him as I worked but he showed up with supplies I would need, so that I didn’t have to climb the shelves. He restocked my refrigerator to the exact OCD specifications I had. Labels all turned out, 2 rows of each beverage with the diet alternative to the left of the product. He did this without me asking. He observed me and took a minute to learn about the things that make me tick. (now, no one can keep an organized kitchen cabinet but whatever lol)

I didn’t want him, told him so to his face, several times and he always answered with, “I just want to get to know you, that’s it.” I didn’t have time for that either. I wasn’t in the market for new friends, all I wanted was to go back in time and fix my damage, alone.

I had moved back to my mother’s house after my seperation, divorce was my future at 23 years old. The only real outlet I had was my spirituality. It has helped me survive, and it was continuing to be a support in my current situation so I allowed myself to lean on it for strength. Traveling to the temple from queens was 2 hour journey, one I committed to all the time, the train was my friend.

I had to work one weekend, and it so happened that I was also participating in a ceremony so I had to bring several bags with me, no biggie right? I also had a huge list of things I needed to get, and of course, life got in the way and my shopping would have to be done after work. Did I mention I forgot some things I needed at home and would have to go back to queens first? Yup!  I was tired after my shift, but I was a workhorse then, so I slung my bags over my back and headed towards the door. “Let me give you a ride.” I heard him say.

“No thanks!” I said, through thin lips and a wave. “Let me help you…” he said again. “I’m good, I don’t need help!” I said back, as the bags weighed me down. “It’s really no trouble” he reminded me. “Yea, I get it but I’m good!” I said once again. I wasn’t used to having men offer help and not want something in return. Frankly I forgot what a favor or help from another person even was…. I shouldered all the burdens of my now broken marriage. I was raw, and still unwilling to let anyone show me kindness because nothing is free. “Why are you so stubborn?” he asked, slightly irked by my consistent refusals. I was shocked! I turned to him, brows scrunched and teeth showing, I was ready to attack. “Um, you’re the one that doesn’t get the message here! I’m good, means, I’m good! What do you want from me?” I said in frustration, holding back tears.

He picked up my wavering resolve and spoke softly and reassuringly. “I don’t want anything from you, I want to help you.” “Well, I don’t need any help!” I interrupted. He squinted his eyes at me and reached for my bag strap that was falling off my shoulder “Yes, you do” he said, catching it. I sighed in defeat. I was tired of fighting, tired of the pain, tired of feeling tired. I needed help and I didn’t even know it but he did, so he showed up, and I let him drive me to queens. We talked about random things on the ride, and it was a relief to just sit back and relax. When we got to my mother’s I thanked him and gathered my bags. “I can wait and take you up to the bronx ya know.” he offered. I smiled, genuinely and said “ I really appreciated the ride, but I still have a lot to do and things to gather before I go up there. Thank you though.”

“I’ve stopped asking you out after you said no like a hundred times so you don’t have to worry about that, but I still want to get to know you, and I want to spend time with you. I am free for the rest of the day, I can take you anywhere.”

I felt that in my soul like a stone dropping into a still lake. He was offering me his time, the most precious thing we can give to a person. I started to refuse again, going down the list of things I needed to get and places I had to go to. “Jesus!” he exclaimed. Knowing I had scared him off, I again reached for my bag. “Wait! What are you doing?” he asked confused. “Did you not just Jesus me? I assumed that meant you were backing out” I laughed. “No! I was wondering how on earth you were going to do all that on foot!” he explained. Shrugging, I said “I have to, there is no other choice.”

He took me everywhere I needed to go. He carried my bags, told me funny stories and made me feel like I was the sun. I didn’t remember what it was like to be acknowledged, his kindness showed me that I deserved to be seen.

Our adventure came to a close when we arrived in the bronx. He helped me with my bags and got back into the car. “You know, I can come back later and bring you home” he smiled. I chuckled to myself because only I knew how late our temple gatherings were. Placing my hand on the lowered window I said “I can’t thank you enough. I appreciate your stubbornness and for not giving up because I really did need help. Our events run late and I won’t be bringing anything back so I’ll be ok.” I smiled and left. He had been the perfect gentleman.  He didn’t make a single advance that day, never brought it up, didn’t touch me at all and respected all of my boundaries because he knew what I really needed and showed up as a friend.

I thought about him that weekend quietly, secretly, and full of longing. I wasn’t ready for what I was feeling, I rejected those emotions but his act of kindness kept piercing the crevices of my stone wall and shone through the darkness in my heart, that light was his love and it radiated with such force that I had no choice but to also acknowledge it.

When I arrived at 6 am, the coffee filling the air while the clanging of pots made music as I floated in through the loading dock, high on spiritual vibes. I went to grab my usual cup and realized that every morning this coffee was here… ready… but who made it? I turned around cradling my cup and he was there, reading the DaVinci code. I was seeing him for the first time and I realized, he was my sun.

I walked over to him and lifted the book cover with my finger “Oh! You read?” I said. This was the first time I had ever greeted him in the morning, and I had worked there over a year and because I am awkward, I immediately opened with an insult. He raised his eyebrows at me and I laughed loudly and nervously. “That’s not what I meant!” waving my hands frantically. I didn’t know how to recover. “I’ve just never seen you reading a book before.” i said sheepishly. “You hardly knew I existed, or else you would have seen me with other books before.” he pointed out.

I wanted to die under a rock. He laughed it off and we chatted quickly and I was off to my station but not before he asked if I was ok and how things had turned out.

Later that day, after several random exchanges I realized that he was just like Wesley from the Princess Bride. He had been as you wishing me all this time and what I thought to be coworker camaraderie and required tasks – what he was really saying was I love you.

It took a while but that was the turning point in our relationship. He always showed up and still shows up. Last night, after work, after dinner, after some Christmas decorating I was still baking for a work event and my IG page. We needed to do a supermarket run and I don’t have my car anymore so of course, he drove. He bought my ingredients, carried my bags and offered me coffee.

When we got home, he showed up in the kitchen and although I was tired, frustrated and annoyed, snapping at him over my stupidness, he scooped, rolled and decorated cookies. He washed my pots as I worked and photographed then got yelled out for moving my strategically placed greenery for my pictures. He still showed up in the kitchen again, helping me with the last details and cleaning up. At one point after apologizing several times to him, I said “ I’m sorry babe, its after midnight and so late… I know you didn’t sign up for this..” he cut me off and said. “Yes I did. And I’m here for whatever else.”

We finished up and I stayed behind putting some things away and then I walk into my bedroom playing “It’s our anniversary” by Tony! Toni! Tone!. Today we celebrate, not our wedding anniversary but the first time we saw each other because I had been closed off to the world. We also celebrate the first time I tried to engage in a conversation with him and ended up insulting him!

I celebrate him today and his willingness to show up without a promise of a reward. I celebrate his willingness to look at a broken person and see the potential in them. I celebrate his ability to love me unconditionally, through my trauma, my rage, my sharp tongue and my meltdowns. I celebrate him showing up as a father to a toddler, for proving time and again that he was there for her and his continued support through her teenage shenanigans, pms mood swings and the attitude passed down from her mother! I celebrate his cheerleader spirit and the moments when he channels his glass half full/ Deepak Chopra mentality making me all sorts of mad while reassuring me that my feelings of inadequacy and defeat are valid but they do not define me and that I am better than what the voices in my head are trying to convince me of.

In him, I have a partner ( that I want to throttle on occasion). I have a confidant, I have my soulmate, my peanut gallery, my cheerleader. He makes me strive to be a better person every day, especially on the days where I don’t want to show up for life. I only hope that I have done the same for him, because I strive to be that rock in his life, and not the kind that gets in the way, but the kind you can hold on to, build from and build on.

He is the sun to my flower garden and I’m so happy that he still shows up, twelve years later.

Happy “Firsts” anniversary my love.